Unworthy

I've tried for over a year to keep a journal. Pastor Dale has said it many times in his sermons of how important it is. I tried keeping a written one, but I don't do well with that. I think faster than I can write and it just drives me crazy! I also started a word document but I didn't really like that either. So, I started doing it on here. This just works for me. So, I'm telling you all of that because you're going to get an intimate glimpse of me this morning. Keeping it real. You can't really be all God wants you to be until you can be real with yourself and with others. So, here goes...

I had the Tremont Turkey Festival this weekend. I love what I do. I'm so blessed that I get to do about 95% of my work from home and only truly work outside the home a few weekends a year. And to be honest, I really enjoy doing craft shows. They are however long and can be very draining. I woke up yesterday, tempted to just sleep in and not go to church. I was going to have to go straight from church to the show. But, I got up and went. Truth be told, there's not much that will keep me from going anymore. I just love church! So, we're singing the first song, and to be honest, I can't even remember what it was. How sad is that! Anyway, it got me to thinking about Second Chance. You see, I've never understood why God called me. I suffer from the "not good enough" syndrome. Ok, I don't know if that's truly a syndrome, but I'm sure there are many of us that suffer from the same thing. Growing up, my dad couldn't have cared less about me. It was as if I was nonexistent about 95% of the time. I used to pray that God would just let my dad love me. But, no matter what I did, how I acted, I was never good enough. Moving into high school, I was never good enough to be a true friend. Every single "best" friend I had in high school either backstabbed and betrayed me or abandoned me. I was just never good enough. I didn't date much. I had a ton of guy friends. I was a great friend but never good enough to be a girlfriend.

These "not good enoughs" pop up in my adult live as well. There have been so called friends that have backstabbed me. There have also been true friends that have innocently done something that has brought back all those feelings of just not being good enough. When you grow up with this "syndrome" coming at you from such important people in your life, it tarnishes you. I never realized how deeply these things hurt me until I did Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" book. It opened my eyes to so much and I highly recommend the book!

So, we're singing at church and I'm thinking of our calling and have this thought of "why me? I just don't understand why you're calling me, God. I'm just not worthy." And I hear God say so clearly "You are worthy to me!" God thinks I'm worthy! God sees something in me that He can use. I was reading in John today and came across the calling of Nathanael.

John 1
43 The following day Jesus wanted to go to Galilee, and He found Philip and said to him, “Follow Me.” 44 Now Philip was from Bethsaida, the city of Andrew and Peter. 45 Philip found Nathanael and said to him, “We have found Him of whom Moses in the law, and also the prophets, wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.”
46 And Nathanael said to him, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?”
Philip said to him, “Come and see.”
47 Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward Him, and said of him, “Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom is no deceit!”
48 Nathanael said to Him, “How do You know me?”
Jesus answered and said to him, “Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.”

You see, before God called me, he saw me. He saw me in my life. He saw me day to day and thought I can use her. We can look at ourselves and not see how God can use us, but God looks at our hearts. If our hearts are right, then He can use us. You see, He uses our weaknesses for Him. He uses our weaknesses to help make us strong.

As I was writing this, this song kept going through my head. Thank you Lord for using my weaknesses! Thank You that when I go through things in this life, they're not for naught, but You can use them for Your purposes!

Give Thanks lyrics
Songwriters: Smith, Henry;

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"

And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"